Six Sentence Sunday 38

Hello and welcome back to Six Sentence Sunday. I have been re arranging my work commitments and I have missed a few Sundays. I don’t like to post if I don’t have the time to enjoy the works of the other authors, so my apologies to you all. To find the complete list of very talented writers please click …here  or search the hash tag #sixsunday on twitter.

This week we pick back up with our hero, frozen. Fear and desire his chains, as he wonders how he can keep her.

Read the last 2 snippet  …..Six Sentence Sunday 36 …….Six Sentence Sunday 37

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I want her flesh. Her soft skin, the blood and bones that form her perfect shape. I want to hear her voice when I wake and as the last soft sounds as I drift off to sleep. I want to know her thoughts. Feel her pulse, and have her fingerprints cover every inch of my body. 

Tentatively I manage, “Can I buy you a drink?”

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Thank you to everyone who supports my work each week and a warm welcome to new readers, I hope you have enjoyed and will come back again.

If your interested in my past posts click Six Sentences, they have been snippets from these works in progress:
Positional Sacrifice     Coffeehouse Play     Drawing Chance       At the Bar

I truly value and appreciate your feedback, so if you have the time, I would love you to hear your thoughts, so please leave a comment.Have a happy and healthy weekend, remembering to play and stay safe. xx

58 thoughts on “Six Sentence Sunday 38”

    1. Thank you Paula! I’m struggling a bit writing in his POV, I really want to show the masks of the social persona’s we create.

  1. Looks good. Shows the thought process well. Is it allowed for newbies to suggest a few editorial changes? I hope you don’t think it’s too brash of me.

    If I was your editor, I would suggest the following changes:

    I want her flesh, her soft skin, the blood and the bones that form her perfect shape. I want to hear her voice when I wake and as the last soft notes that envelop me as I drift towards sleep. I want to know her thoughts, feel her pulse, and have her fingerprints cover every inch of my body. 

    Tentatively I manage, “Can I buy you a drink?”

    You can probably tell I’m not a fan of the stacato sentences. English teachers rarely are.

    Thoughts?

    1. I really appreciate your feedback, thanking-you very kindly.
      I feel like I’m struggling a bit writing in the POV of a man, do you think
      ..soft notes that envelop me as I drift towards sleep, sound too feminine?

      1. This is the only excerpt I have read, but it seems like he is a little unsure of himself anyway. I don’t think it’s too feminine. I doubt a “man’s man” macho mysogynist would think of when (or if) the woman he was with in that moment spoke or not. Seems like a moot point for the character this scene portrays.

        1. I have really digested your suggestions and I think your right, I need to relax with the hero and let him be real, not the man I want him to be ;) Thank you for your thoughts, are you interested in editing work?

  2. Well, drinks are a start. ;) As for the style, I think as long as his style is different from hers and easily identifiable, go with whatever feels right. Also, internal monologue is often different from dialogue. He may think in full sentences, and speak in stoccato ones. WKIM?

  3. I love this, Alix. So glad you’re back. It’s great to see the contrast between inner monologue and dialogue: the intensity with which he speaks and the low-key quality with which he speaks is great to read. It’s definitely true that we are often different people in our heads than what we perform in public. Lovely.

  4. Your writing is so damn powerful. I know I’ve said it before, but I’m saying it again, gosh darn it. You remind me a little of Bret Easton Ellis. Maybe because your character is demanding and knows what he wants. That is all. LOVE!

    1. Thank you wonderful women. I’m struggling here with this work and you have made my day. Big cuddles to you!xx

  5. He’s a romantic inside. I hope he can find a way to let that out. (And struggle is good, Alix. It means you’re challenging yourself and growing as a writer.)

  6. He speaks! (yet he says nothing, what of that? LOL–sorry, tripped onto another train of thought and misquoted Shakespeare in the bargain) But YAY! He found his voice at last! I love the vulnerability of the hero that you’re allowing us to see. I’m kinda crushin’ on this guy now.

  7. Alix the dissonance you set up between what he thinks opposed to what he is capable of delivering is so well done. Awesome writing, lady.

  8. Fascinating discussion above – it’s often a dicotomy between internal and spoken. I don’t worry too much if my character is male and to get his voice. maybe I should worrry. I take the character and then have him act.

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