Punctuate it!

During Six Sentence Sunday last week, I was given some amazing feed back. In particular, April Dawn highlighted my struggling punctuation and clumsy use of passive voice. However, she phrased it far more tactfully.

Today I found a fantastic paper on passive voice so I am starting to create my own strategy or checklist to ensure that I only use it when appropriate. I have also definitely gotten lazy with my punctuation; I tend to write like I talk. This causes me confusion when punctuating, I think it will take some concentrated effort on my behalf to resolve.

Below I’m going to use the Green Pen of Hope, inspired by Epic Black Car, and his Red Pen of Doom. Hopefully when I’m ready to submit my first page to him, it won’t bleed too much.

The Original Six:

They hadn’t really made it past the front door, it had unfolded, urgent and lustful. He had fucked her hard, a primal urge he couldn’t control: the heavy sweet smell of sex still lingering in the room. It was holding him, caressing him, keeping his head spinning, and heart pounding; but she was gone.
He could hear the shower running,  the warm steam dancing to it’s own seductive tune. Her silhouette had stopped him from moving any closer, his eyes drawn to her form, her nipples pert on the crest of her breast,  the soft curve of her back, all of her was swirling and tumbling around in his thoughts.
He was going to taste her again, but now he was going to take his time.

The Green Pen of Hope:

They hadn’t really had hardly made it past the front door, it had unfolded, urgent and lustful. He had fucked her hard, a primal urge he couldn’t wasn’t prepared to control. The heavy sweet smell of sex remained. Lingering in around the room, it was holding him, caressing him, keeping forcing his head spinning to spin, and his heart pounding to pound; but she was gone.
He could hear heard the shower running, then felt the warm steam dancing to it’s own seductive tune.  Her silhouette had stopped him from moving any closer, his eyes drawn to her form, her nipples pert on the crest of her breast,  the soft curve of her back, all of her was swirling and tumbling around in his thoughts.  He stopped, his eyes drawn to her silhouette through the opaque curtain. The shape of her breast and her pert nipples, the soft curve of her back, she had made him want her.
He was going had to taste have her again, but now he was going to take his time.

* I’m still struggling with the tense.

The result:

They had hardly made it past the front door, it had unfolded, urgent and lustful. He had fucked her hard, a primal urge he wasn’t prepared to control. The heavy sweet smell of sex remained. Lingering around the room, it was holding him, caressing him, making his head spin and his heart pound; but she was gone.

He heard the shower running, then felt the warm steam dancing to it’s own seductive tune. He stopped, his eyes drawn to her silhouette through the opaque curtain. The shape of her breast and her pert nipples, the soft curve of her back, she made him want her.

He had to have her again, but now he was going to take his time.

3 thoughts on “Punctuate it!”

    1. My pleasure, I think what your doing is wonderfully insightful, and you should be thanked for your time and effort. Thank you. I amused myself with the Green Pen of Hope idea, and I agree, I like it as a counterpart or pre-phase to the Red Pen of Doom.

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